1 00:00:00,585 --> 00:00:02,088 [Oleg moaning] 2 00:00:02,297 --> 00:00:05,094 Oleg: Oh, yeah, baby take it all. 3 00:00:05,303 --> 00:00:06,623 Sophie: Oh, no, you take it, baby. 4 00:00:06,805 --> 00:00:09,311 Oleg: No, baby, you take it all. 5 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:12,400 Sophie: Oh, no, take it, baby. Oleg: No, baby, you take it. 6 00:00:12,609 --> 00:00:16,242 Dear god, will one of you just take it and get it over with! 7 00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:20,124 Max! There is no way you could be sleeping through Oleg and Sophie. 8 00:00:20,333 --> 00:00:22,837 [Sophie and Oleg moaning] 9 00:00:25,093 --> 00:00:26,220 Does that actually work? 10 00:00:26,428 --> 00:00:29,518 It does. With a little help from this. 11 00:00:29,726 --> 00:00:31,689 Give me. 12 00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:36,365 Whoo! I was hoping that would be fruitier. 13 00:00:36,574 --> 00:00:38,828 I mean, they're here. They're there. 14 00:00:39,036 --> 00:00:40,206 Then they're here again. 15 00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,752 It's like we're a village under attack. 16 00:00:42,961 --> 00:00:46,677 Yup, just a matter of time till someone sends in a drone. 17 00:00:47,971 --> 00:00:52,021 And it's not just that moaning. I think i heard a big ball rolling around up there. 18 00:00:52,230 --> 00:00:55,820 If a ball is rolling around up there, Oleg should stop and see a doctor. 19 00:00:57,073 --> 00:01:00,788 Oleg: Give it girl, give it girl, give me. - This couldn't be any more intrusive. 20 00:01:00,997 --> 00:01:02,834 [Caroline shrieks] 21 00:01:06,508 --> 00:01:08,387 Sophie: Uh-oh. 22 00:01:10,475 --> 00:01:12,312 Oleg: Sorry about that. 23 00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:16,403 Caroline: A bowling ball? 24 00:01:16,612 --> 00:01:18,950 And why do they need a bowling ball? 25 00:01:19,159 --> 00:01:21,497 Maybe they ran out of holes. 26 00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:24,795 Have you guys seen a ball? 27 00:01:37,737 --> 00:01:38,781 [Bell rings] 28 00:01:38,990 --> 00:01:41,662 Pick up, Max. And sorry about the hole in your ceiling. 29 00:01:41,870 --> 00:01:44,835 Oleg, I'm not gonna ask you to keep it in your pants anymore... 30 00:01:45,043 --> 00:01:47,716 but could you keep it in your apartment? 31 00:01:51,265 --> 00:01:53,769 - Oh, hey, Sophie. - Hey, Max. 32 00:01:53,978 --> 00:01:56,608 Oh, spring is in the air. 33 00:01:56,817 --> 00:02:00,032 This is the time of year in Poland when the snow would melt... 34 00:02:00,241 --> 00:02:03,956 and all our dead relatives would float back to us. 35 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,172 I've never been to Europe, but it sounds beautiful. 36 00:02:07,380 --> 00:02:08,966 Sophie: Mm. 37 00:02:09,926 --> 00:02:13,517 Max, where is Caroline? And don't tell me she's in the ladies' room. 38 00:02:13,726 --> 00:02:17,317 Because I already peeked under all those stalls. She wasn't there. 39 00:02:17,817 --> 00:02:20,156 But I saw things. 40 00:02:21,992 --> 00:02:25,208 Well, congratulations on finally seeing those things. 41 00:02:26,502 --> 00:02:29,424 She's 20 minutes late, and as the boss, I will not have it. 42 00:02:29,633 --> 00:02:33,014 Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of his crib. 43 00:02:35,311 --> 00:02:37,022 You're late. This is unacceptable. 44 00:02:37,232 --> 00:02:41,865 Don't mind him, he just saw his first vagina and he's furious. 45 00:02:43,494 --> 00:02:44,579 Okay, here's the thing. 46 00:02:44,788 --> 00:02:48,713 I had to take a nap because Oleg and Sophie were having sex all night long. 47 00:02:48,921 --> 00:02:52,220 Not true. We took a break to watch a porno. 48 00:02:53,472 --> 00:02:56,520 Punctuality is the number one rule in my employee handbook... 49 00:02:56,729 --> 00:02:59,234 which I've adorably named "the han-book." 50 00:02:59,443 --> 00:03:02,949 Relax, han. Nobody's gonna die if I'm not here to drop off a tuna melt. 51 00:03:03,158 --> 00:03:06,373 In fact, they're more likely to die if I do drop it off. 52 00:03:06,582 --> 00:03:08,168 Late and with an attitude. 53 00:03:08,377 --> 00:03:10,214 You think you're too good for the diner? 54 00:03:10,423 --> 00:03:12,176 Of course she thinks that. 55 00:03:12,385 --> 00:03:15,308 I think sourdough bread is too good for this diner. 56 00:03:15,975 --> 00:03:18,439 Well, what other career option do you have, Caroline? 57 00:03:18,647 --> 00:03:20,025 Hmm. Let's see. Cupcakes? 58 00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:22,238 No, wait, your shop didn't last six months. 59 00:03:22,447 --> 00:03:26,037 - Don't go there, han. - Oh, I'm already there and now I'm back. 60 00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:30,713 Why so moody, han? Are you man-struating? 61 00:03:30,922 --> 00:03:33,552 Is it that time of the man-th? 62 00:03:34,846 --> 00:03:38,729 That shop was our dream, han. And this is just a dumb diner. 63 00:03:39,481 --> 00:03:41,860 - You're fired. - Ooh! I'm fired? 64 00:03:42,069 --> 00:03:43,989 Max, han just fired me. 65 00:03:44,198 --> 00:03:46,620 - You lucky son of a whore. - Heh. 66 00:03:46,829 --> 00:03:49,501 I'm serious, Caroline. You called my diner dumb. 67 00:03:49,709 --> 00:03:51,839 Well, my diner is still open and successful... 68 00:03:52,047 --> 00:03:54,344 whereas your cupcake shop was so dumb it failed. 69 00:03:54,553 --> 00:03:56,849 Ooh! He did not go there. 70 00:03:57,057 --> 00:04:00,481 I went there and then I came back and then I went there again. 71 00:04:01,733 --> 00:04:03,571 You know what? I don't need this. 72 00:04:03,779 --> 00:04:06,743 Well, actually, you do kind of need this because we broke. 73 00:04:06,952 --> 00:04:11,043 Broke or not, I don't have to stand here and take this. I quit. 74 00:04:11,253 --> 00:04:12,464 Oh, really? You quit? 75 00:04:12,672 --> 00:04:16,220 You must be dumber than my diner because I already fired you. 76 00:04:16,889 --> 00:04:21,523 Han, I know you've had it up to here, but you need to relax. 77 00:04:30,207 --> 00:04:32,670 Can you believe han fired me? 78 00:04:32,879 --> 00:04:34,758 I mean, where does he get off? 79 00:04:34,966 --> 00:04:37,889 Probably in Buffy the vampire slayer chat rooms. 80 00:04:39,935 --> 00:04:42,064 Have you been standing here this whole time? 81 00:04:42,272 --> 00:04:44,986 I didn't even pee. I was afraid I'd miss you. So hold on. 82 00:04:47,492 --> 00:04:50,623 So basically, you had the same day as a puppy? 83 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:52,251 Caroline: Han is lucky I work there. 84 00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:55,132 I bring class and sophistication to that place. 85 00:04:55,341 --> 00:04:56,593 [Toilet flushes] 86 00:04:56,802 --> 00:04:59,432 There's no toilet paper and I just used the last coffee filter. 87 00:04:59,641 --> 00:05:04,317 You are sophisticating the hell out of that toilet right now. 88 00:05:05,235 --> 00:05:06,279 And you know what? 89 00:05:06,488 --> 00:05:11,540 You can tell han that the only way I am ever going back there is if he apologizes. 90 00:05:11,748 --> 00:05:13,878 Okay, but first he wanted me to tell you this. 91 00:05:14,086 --> 00:05:17,427 The only way you're ever going back there is if you apologize. 92 00:05:17,635 --> 00:05:19,931 Well, an apology from me is not happening. 93 00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:22,060 [Oleg moaning] 94 00:05:22,269 --> 00:05:24,649 Oleg: Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, take it all. 95 00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,570 Sophie: Oh, no, you take it, baby. 96 00:05:26,778 --> 00:05:27,906 Oleg: Oh, baby, you take it. 97 00:05:28,114 --> 00:05:30,745 And that is not happening again tonight either. 98 00:05:36,632 --> 00:05:39,513 Again? That could've hit us. 99 00:05:39,721 --> 00:05:42,685 Now, that's unsafe sex. 100 00:05:44,523 --> 00:05:48,948 I think it's pretty neighborly of us to return someone's sex-bowling ball. 101 00:05:49,407 --> 00:05:51,370 You know we have to bury those mitts now. 102 00:05:51,578 --> 00:05:54,166 We have to tell them to stop whatever they're doing. 103 00:05:54,376 --> 00:05:57,130 Probably a 7-10 split. 104 00:05:59,469 --> 00:06:01,097 And now they're not making noise. 105 00:06:01,305 --> 00:06:05,021 It's like when you go to the zoo and the lion goes inside. 106 00:06:05,313 --> 00:06:09,823 It's Max and Caroline. Your ball came into our yard again. 107 00:06:11,660 --> 00:06:14,373 Hi. Yeah, it's not a good time. 108 00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:17,881 We're role playing, and, obviously, I'm Beyoncé. 109 00:06:18,089 --> 00:06:19,467 Yeah. 110 00:06:19,676 --> 00:06:22,097 [Humming "single ladies"] 111 00:06:22,306 --> 00:06:24,561 Hey, Jay-Z. 112 00:06:24,769 --> 00:06:27,232 Look at all the single ladies. 113 00:06:27,442 --> 00:06:28,694 Oh, yeah, baby. 114 00:06:28,903 --> 00:06:30,489 Jay-Z and I have a lot in common. 115 00:06:30,698 --> 00:06:34,956 He bought the Brooklyn nets. I bought my hairnets in Brooklyn. 116 00:06:35,165 --> 00:06:37,879 I'm not surprised that you're Jay-Z and Beyoncé... 117 00:06:38,087 --> 00:06:41,385 but I am kind of surprised that they bowl. 118 00:06:41,595 --> 00:06:42,764 Where should I put this? 119 00:06:42,972 --> 00:06:44,976 Well, I'll tell you what I told him. 120 00:06:45,185 --> 00:06:46,897 Put it anywhere you want. 121 00:06:52,032 --> 00:06:53,953 [Ball thuds] 122 00:06:54,788 --> 00:06:57,961 So that's basically our ball at this point. 123 00:06:58,169 --> 00:07:02,261 Look, you two may be crazy in love, but your love is driving us crazy. 124 00:07:02,470 --> 00:07:04,014 [Laughs] 125 00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:05,977 Crazy in love? 126 00:07:06,185 --> 00:07:08,691 Oh, come on. We're not in love. 127 00:07:08,899 --> 00:07:11,488 Oleg and I are just shtup buddies. 128 00:07:11,697 --> 00:07:14,744 Shtup buddies? I wouldn't say that's all we are. 129 00:07:14,953 --> 00:07:20,171 Oh, no, you're right. Uh, we also share a cvs points reward card. 130 00:07:20,715 --> 00:07:24,639 Is it really a reward if it comes from cvs? 131 00:07:25,140 --> 00:07:27,562 Can't you two ever do it over at Oleg's apartment? 132 00:07:27,770 --> 00:07:29,983 Or are all the lanes reserved? 133 00:07:30,191 --> 00:07:32,530 Well, I have no idea where he lives. 134 00:07:32,739 --> 00:07:34,993 Wait, you've never been to Oleg's apartment? 135 00:07:35,201 --> 00:07:37,456 No, with my busy work schedule... 136 00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:41,297 i don't have the time to get the battery of shots that I would need. 137 00:07:41,506 --> 00:07:43,134 Hey, hey, hey. 138 00:07:43,343 --> 00:07:45,640 You'd be surprised by my apartment, Sophie. 139 00:07:45,848 --> 00:07:50,357 It's more than just a place the quadruple orgasm was born. 140 00:07:51,192 --> 00:07:53,656 Yeah, well, that sounds nice. 141 00:07:53,864 --> 00:07:57,497 Oh, yes. A beyo... uh-oh. 142 00:07:59,458 --> 00:08:01,588 Uh, Beyoncé's hair just fell out. 143 00:08:01,797 --> 00:08:04,678 I gotta go get my hot glue gun. 144 00:08:05,721 --> 00:08:07,892 [Humming "single ladies"] 145 00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:13,904 Girls, I may have oversold my apartment. 146 00:08:14,446 --> 00:08:17,035 What? By saying she won't need to get shots? 147 00:08:17,244 --> 00:08:18,872 Yes. 148 00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,962 Maybe you two could help me fix it up a little. 149 00:08:22,170 --> 00:08:23,590 Give it a feminine touch. 150 00:08:23,799 --> 00:08:25,385 Well, I'm out. 151 00:08:25,594 --> 00:08:28,266 You know what? I'll do it. I'm very recently out of work. 152 00:08:28,474 --> 00:08:31,313 - Gonna charge you. - If you didn't, you'd be the only girl... 153 00:08:31,523 --> 00:08:33,986 who went to his apartment without getting paid. 154 00:08:34,194 --> 00:08:35,531 You got a deal. 155 00:08:38,829 --> 00:08:42,294 Oleg's apartment's this way. I can smell the axe body spray. 156 00:08:42,502 --> 00:08:45,216 I'll throw a couple pillows around, and we'll be gone. 157 00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:47,555 Can't believe I'm walking to Oleg's apartment. 158 00:08:47,764 --> 00:08:51,479 I always thought I'd be dragged here unconscious with tape over my mouth. 159 00:08:53,191 --> 00:08:54,318 Afternoon, ladies. 160 00:08:54,526 --> 00:08:56,447 This is where the magic happens. 161 00:08:56,656 --> 00:09:00,205 Well, I'm sure you've made some women disappear here. 162 00:09:02,752 --> 00:09:04,046 Okay. 163 00:09:04,881 --> 00:09:09,264 Just off the top of my head, I think we're gonna need a couple more pillows. 164 00:09:10,308 --> 00:09:14,901 If you keep your apartment like this, do you get to pay 1980s rent prices? 165 00:09:15,110 --> 00:09:17,406 You haven't even seen the best part yet. Look. 166 00:09:17,615 --> 00:09:20,746 [Funky music playing over speakers] 167 00:09:20,955 --> 00:09:24,002 Going up the stairway to heaven, baby. 168 00:09:24,211 --> 00:09:26,298 Oh. Oh, yeah. 169 00:09:26,507 --> 00:09:29,513 There it is. That's my bed. 170 00:09:29,722 --> 00:09:32,854 Where are we? Studio 69? 171 00:09:33,062 --> 00:09:34,941 That's 1500 tracer bulbs. 172 00:09:35,150 --> 00:09:39,575 I tore most of them out of the new cineplex 14 in queens. 173 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,080 First of all, I am smelling something... 174 00:09:42,289 --> 00:09:45,671 that can only be described as anti-antiperspirant. 175 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,257 And, secondly... 176 00:09:47,466 --> 00:09:48,551 [Music stops] 177 00:09:48,761 --> 00:09:50,513 no woman wants to walk into this. 178 00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:54,021 According to this, 685 already have. 179 00:09:54,229 --> 00:09:55,816 Actually, it's 1685. 180 00:09:56,025 --> 00:09:58,989 After a thousand the counter resets. 181 00:09:59,198 --> 00:10:02,747 If you don't want Sophie to feel like she's next in line at the dmv... 182 00:10:02,955 --> 00:10:05,376 More like the stdmv. 183 00:10:05,585 --> 00:10:08,090 Then we have a lot of work to do. 184 00:10:08,299 --> 00:10:10,220 Okay. Make it look romantic. 185 00:10:10,428 --> 00:10:12,683 When she comes in, i want her to feel special... 186 00:10:12,892 --> 00:10:16,315 like she's the only woman that's ever been here today. 187 00:10:16,942 --> 00:10:19,781 Let's sit down and talk about this. 188 00:10:19,989 --> 00:10:22,452 Oh, my god, Max, is she dead? 189 00:10:23,246 --> 00:10:25,124 No, she's Alexis. 190 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:28,131 You have one of those anatomically correct real dolls. 191 00:10:28,339 --> 00:10:32,682 It's rare to see one without a short fat man standing next to it with a button penis. 192 00:10:32,890 --> 00:10:36,063 They sell for $6,000, but I got her for half off. 193 00:10:36,272 --> 00:10:38,109 She was previously loved. 194 00:10:38,902 --> 00:10:41,658 - Max, you are not doing that. - The hell I'm not. 195 00:10:41,867 --> 00:10:46,000 This is my one chance to see a woman naked without having to spoon her after. 196 00:10:47,419 --> 00:10:48,964 Respect. 197 00:10:49,924 --> 00:10:53,222 Well, you've made a lot of strong choices here... 198 00:10:53,431 --> 00:10:55,895 but I'm not sure they're all working together. 199 00:10:56,103 --> 00:10:59,276 For example, that sex swing is fighting the goat. 200 00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:02,115 Why don't we start by you getting us some rubber gloves? 201 00:11:02,324 --> 00:11:05,496 Lots of them and the strongest bleach and soap products you can find. 202 00:11:05,706 --> 00:11:09,463 Oh. And a Hazmat suit. Don't worry about the size. I can belt it. 203 00:11:09,672 --> 00:11:11,718 But you're gonna keep my good stuff, right? 204 00:11:11,927 --> 00:11:14,682 If I see any, I'll consider it. Go. 205 00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:17,187 What are you going to do with Alexis? 206 00:11:17,395 --> 00:11:20,318 Rehab and then a women's shelter in Montana. Go. 207 00:11:21,362 --> 00:11:24,576 - I've got a lot of work to do. - But first. 208 00:11:24,786 --> 00:11:27,833 [Funky music playing over speakers] 209 00:11:28,042 --> 00:11:31,674 Can't not do it. Can't not do it. 210 00:11:32,217 --> 00:11:36,350 Can you please turn that off, Max? I'm starting to feel a little dizzy. 211 00:11:36,559 --> 00:11:37,770 [Music stops] 212 00:11:37,979 --> 00:11:40,191 I can't fall on the floor because I might stick to it. 213 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,028 You don't have to do this. 214 00:11:42,237 --> 00:11:46,830 Just call han and apologize and we can get out of here before the syphilis sets in. 215 00:11:47,038 --> 00:11:49,459 No, he said some really hurtful things to me. 216 00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:53,760 And I'd rather stay here and work for Oleg and Alexis. At least I'll have my dignity. 217 00:11:53,969 --> 00:11:58,394 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go climb the sperm-ship enterprise. 218 00:11:58,603 --> 00:12:01,358 Let me just get these curtains open so I can see better. 219 00:12:01,567 --> 00:12:04,489 Seeing better? Is that the way to go? 220 00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:08,623 Oh! I'm walking on a water bed. 221 00:12:09,834 --> 00:12:11,629 This is harder than it looks. 222 00:12:11,838 --> 00:12:14,384 How many times has that been said on this bed? 223 00:12:16,096 --> 00:12:18,225 Oh, my heel. Whoo! 224 00:12:18,434 --> 00:12:19,979 [Screaming] 225 00:12:21,732 --> 00:12:23,110 [Coughing] 226 00:12:23,319 --> 00:12:26,617 I swallowed. I accidentally swallowed. 227 00:12:27,494 --> 00:12:29,539 You know that's been said. 228 00:12:35,051 --> 00:12:37,890 Max, we got a problem. See that girl? 229 00:12:38,432 --> 00:12:42,399 Oh, the usual drill? You hold her arms and I punch her till she tips 20 percent? 230 00:12:42,607 --> 00:12:46,115 As much as I enjoy that when we do it, no. 231 00:12:46,323 --> 00:12:49,121 She's here to apply for Caroline's job. 232 00:12:49,329 --> 00:12:52,460 What? Han's really going through with this? 233 00:12:52,669 --> 00:12:56,343 I thought it was all talk, like when a chihuahua barks at a big dog. 234 00:12:56,552 --> 00:12:58,306 Me too. I thought it would blow over. 235 00:12:58,514 --> 00:13:00,643 You know, like han did in the wind that time? 236 00:13:00,853 --> 00:13:04,026 - But no, he is serious. - No way. I got this. 237 00:13:05,486 --> 00:13:09,244 Hi, is that your resume? Let's take a little look-see. 238 00:13:09,453 --> 00:13:14,046 - Uh-huh. Oh, you worked there? Cool. - Yep. I'm a very hard worker. 239 00:13:14,254 --> 00:13:17,845 Good. Can you block a punch? Because the owner hits us. 240 00:13:18,054 --> 00:13:20,683 He broke my femur. I complained, he broke the other one. 241 00:13:20,893 --> 00:13:23,147 Run before he sees me talking to you. 242 00:13:23,940 --> 00:13:26,236 Earl, I gotta get han and Caroline to make up. 243 00:13:26,445 --> 00:13:29,701 I don't have access to the pills I need to keep working without her. 244 00:13:29,911 --> 00:13:32,624 - Any advice or pills? - Well, let's see. 245 00:13:32,833 --> 00:13:34,628 We are kind of like a family here... 246 00:13:34,837 --> 00:13:38,636 except I can see you unsupervised on the weekend. 247 00:13:39,596 --> 00:13:42,978 And you didn't use my college fund to buy a married man a corvette. 248 00:13:44,106 --> 00:13:46,610 And in my family, when my kids would fight... 249 00:13:46,819 --> 00:13:50,284 i tried to get them to talk to each other, because honesty is key. 250 00:13:50,493 --> 00:13:53,124 But if that didn't work, I'd lie to their faces. 251 00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:57,465 Lock them in their room and tell them that the other one had three weeks to live. 252 00:13:57,674 --> 00:14:00,054 You know, what used to be known as good parenting. 253 00:14:01,390 --> 00:14:05,983 Max, I've got 12 overqualified candidates coming in for the waitress position today. 254 00:14:06,191 --> 00:14:08,571 Thank you, crumbling economy. 255 00:14:09,489 --> 00:14:13,414 You know, han, here at this diner we're kind of like a little family and.... 256 00:14:13,622 --> 00:14:17,130 Oh, I can't do this. Caroline has three weeks left to live. I'm serious. 257 00:14:17,338 --> 00:14:20,303 She drank Oleg's water bed. It's just a matter of time. 258 00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:23,059 Nice try, Max. I'm not going to give her back her job. 259 00:14:23,267 --> 00:14:26,190 She should've checked herself before she wrecked herself. 260 00:14:26,398 --> 00:14:29,071 Come on. Hire her back. Be the bigger man. 261 00:14:29,279 --> 00:14:32,577 And note, I did not make a short joke, because this is important. 262 00:14:32,786 --> 00:14:36,460 And also because I'm still working on something with Peter dinklage's name. 263 00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:38,714 No way, Max. I am holding firm. 264 00:14:39,508 --> 00:14:41,845 You know, firm han is kind of hot. 265 00:14:42,472 --> 00:14:44,643 - He is? - Yeah. I'm kind of feeling firm han. 266 00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:48,985 I have no interest in feeling the firm part, but I'll hang out with the rest. 267 00:14:49,194 --> 00:14:52,450 You want to hang out with me? I'm free mondays through Fridays... 268 00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:56,333 mornings and evenings and my weekends are wide open. 269 00:14:56,542 --> 00:14:59,214 - I may have a wedding to go to in June but... - Breathe. 270 00:14:59,423 --> 00:15:01,635 Come over tomorrow. Caroline will be at Oleg's. 271 00:15:01,844 --> 00:15:03,597 We can get stoned and watch a movie. 272 00:15:03,806 --> 00:15:07,689 The last time I was stoned was from a contact high I got at a concert. 273 00:15:08,774 --> 00:15:11,948 Well, those wiggle shows do get crazy. 274 00:15:15,496 --> 00:15:19,796 Look at us, Max. Hanging outside the work at your place like a couple of homies. 275 00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:21,383 Yeah, where is my homie? 276 00:15:21,592 --> 00:15:22,594 [Sniffs] 277 00:15:22,802 --> 00:15:25,683 Oh, it's this way. I can smell the axe body spray. 278 00:15:26,310 --> 00:15:27,812 Now, what movie should we watch? 279 00:15:28,022 --> 00:15:34,659 I brought Shrek, Shrek 2, Shrek 3, Shrek 3D and that Cameron Diaz cancer movie. 280 00:15:35,203 --> 00:15:38,292 Is there one where Shrek has cancer? 281 00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:45,515 Wow! This is completely... The same place I always live at. 282 00:15:46,225 --> 00:15:47,519 Max, it's so pretty. 283 00:15:47,727 --> 00:15:51,860 I thought your place would have furniture made out of razor blades or something. 284 00:15:52,070 --> 00:15:54,699 I wish. That sounds bitchin'. 285 00:15:55,660 --> 00:15:58,791 - What are you guys doing here? - What is Caroline doing here? 286 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,132 - You said she was going to be at Oleg's. - I am at Oleg's. 287 00:16:02,340 --> 00:16:04,219 You guys live with Oleg? 288 00:16:04,427 --> 00:16:06,682 You told him this was our apartment? 289 00:16:06,890 --> 00:16:11,567 As a wise person once told me, "sometimes you gotta lie to keep your family together." 290 00:16:11,775 --> 00:16:14,447 Not letting anyone leave until you talk to each other. 291 00:16:14,656 --> 00:16:18,122 I don't understand. Are we not smoking weed? 292 00:16:20,751 --> 00:16:22,714 Oh, I already did. 293 00:16:22,922 --> 00:16:26,597 I don't know what his problem is. He fired me for missing 20 minutes of work. 294 00:16:26,805 --> 00:16:30,188 Why doesn't he fire himself for missing puberty? 295 00:16:30,396 --> 00:16:31,565 Let it go, han. 296 00:16:31,773 --> 00:16:34,571 She spent her morning dusting a strap-on. 297 00:16:34,779 --> 00:16:38,495 I didn't fire you because you were late. You crapped all over the diner. 298 00:16:38,704 --> 00:16:42,128 And you forgot that diner lifted you up when you had nothing. 299 00:16:42,337 --> 00:16:45,968 Well, I lifted you up when you couldn't reach the canned corn. 300 00:16:46,178 --> 00:16:47,889 So we're even. Fight over. 301 00:16:49,351 --> 00:16:52,774 What the hell did you do to my apartment? 302 00:16:52,982 --> 00:16:57,033 It looks you could film a douche commercial in here. 303 00:16:58,994 --> 00:17:02,043 Oleg, this is what you asked for. Romantic. 304 00:17:02,252 --> 00:17:05,049 Romantic? My place went from fifty shades of grey... 305 00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,887 to fifty shades of beige. 306 00:17:09,099 --> 00:17:11,812 Where's my sex swing? Where's my sex chair? 307 00:17:12,020 --> 00:17:16,363 Where's my poster that says, "poke her in the front, lick her in the back"? 308 00:17:16,572 --> 00:17:19,953 Oleg, relax. All your stuff's either in the basement or the closet. 309 00:17:20,162 --> 00:17:23,001 I know more about what a woman would like to come home to... 310 00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,798 than a man whose last girlfriend was made in the Philippines. 311 00:17:26,007 --> 00:17:27,677 [Knocking on door] 312 00:17:27,886 --> 00:17:31,226 Sophie: It's me. Hide your kids, hide your wife. 313 00:17:31,435 --> 00:17:34,941 Sophie. She can't know you're here. Go, go, all of you. 314 00:17:35,151 --> 00:17:37,238 Han, get in the closet. 315 00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:41,246 Putting a guy who's in the closet in the closet? That's like gay nesting dolls. 316 00:17:41,455 --> 00:17:44,502 I'm not gay. I'm a metrosexual. 317 00:17:47,091 --> 00:17:49,930 This is where the magic happens? 318 00:17:50,139 --> 00:17:51,475 Oh. 319 00:17:52,226 --> 00:17:54,189 Oh, no. 320 00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:57,320 Do you live with your mother? 321 00:17:58,697 --> 00:18:03,081 What? You don't like? I thought you would enjoy the girls' touch. 322 00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:06,380 Ha! What girls? The golden girls? 323 00:18:06,588 --> 00:18:08,884 [Laughs] 324 00:18:09,094 --> 00:18:10,513 Sophie hates it. 325 00:18:10,721 --> 00:18:13,477 I should have just thrown a boiled ham on the bed. 326 00:18:13,686 --> 00:18:16,275 Oh, no. My hair is stuck in Oleg's clothes. 327 00:18:16,483 --> 00:18:19,364 Please don't let it be a pants zipper. Oh. 328 00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:23,247 [Screams] 329 00:18:27,338 --> 00:18:31,346 - Han, Alexis. Alexis, han. - Ew. Take it away from me. 330 00:18:31,555 --> 00:18:34,352 It's so heavy. Oh, no. Oh, no. Unh! 331 00:18:35,771 --> 00:18:37,358 Help. Get her off of me. 332 00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:39,195 Why? You're finally getting some. 333 00:18:39,863 --> 00:18:42,410 - Take it, take it. - I got it, I got it. 334 00:18:42,618 --> 00:18:44,998 [Both grunt] 335 00:18:47,211 --> 00:18:50,718 Look, han's fallen and he can't get it up. 336 00:18:54,016 --> 00:18:56,146 What the hell is going on here? 337 00:18:56,355 --> 00:18:59,694 I mean, this is freaky even for me. 338 00:19:00,446 --> 00:19:02,200 Sophie, I can explain. 339 00:19:02,408 --> 00:19:04,579 I hired Caroline to redo my apartment... 340 00:19:04,788 --> 00:19:08,253 so it wouldn't be the dirty bachelor pad you were expecting. 341 00:19:08,462 --> 00:19:11,593 But you are the dirty bachelor that I'm expecting. 342 00:19:11,802 --> 00:19:15,226 And why would you hire Caroline? She doesn't know about sexy stuff. 343 00:19:15,434 --> 00:19:19,442 She couldn't even figure out what we do with the bowling ball. 344 00:19:19,651 --> 00:19:21,738 Sophie, you should've seen what was in here. 345 00:19:21,947 --> 00:19:26,498 I mean, he had this anatomically correct real doll he named Alexis. 346 00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:30,423 Yeah, well, she's very pretty. 347 00:19:31,717 --> 00:19:33,887 He had a sex swing. 348 00:19:34,096 --> 00:19:36,685 Ooh! A sex swing. 349 00:19:36,893 --> 00:19:39,858 What are you gonna tell me now? That he had a water bed? 350 00:19:40,066 --> 00:19:43,615 I did. It had 1500 tracer bulbs. It was hot. 351 00:19:43,824 --> 00:19:44,951 [Sophie gasps] 352 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:49,168 Well, who has it now? I wanna be with him. 353 00:19:49,711 --> 00:19:53,844 Oh, hell. I'm tired of all this role-playing, so I'm just going to say it. 354 00:19:54,053 --> 00:19:57,351 Sophie, I am in love with you. 355 00:19:59,814 --> 00:20:01,192 Oh. 356 00:20:02,445 --> 00:20:08,164 Well, I haven't said this to a man in a very long time... 357 00:20:08,665 --> 00:20:11,421 but I like you a little bit. 358 00:20:13,132 --> 00:20:16,515 I don't know what she's talking about, Caroline. I think it's pretty. 359 00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:20,856 You make everything prettier, even the dumb diner. 360 00:20:21,900 --> 00:20:25,699 Your diner's not dumb. I miss the diner. 361 00:20:25,908 --> 00:20:28,831 And it misses you. You can have your job back. 362 00:20:29,039 --> 00:20:31,670 Is it just because I'm stoned or did anyone else feel... 363 00:20:31,878 --> 00:20:34,717 that deep connection between them? 364 00:20:35,511 --> 00:20:37,390 Could you all leave? 365 00:20:37,598 --> 00:20:42,107 I want to be alone with Oleg. And Alexis. 366 00:20:45,238 --> 00:20:47,033 Now are we going to smoke weed? 367 00:20:47,743 --> 00:20:51,543 Yeah, I'm dying to see you high. Well, as high as you can get.